Suicide on my Mind.. 😢😢😢

Death

Should i kill myself 

Is that the answer to my problems

Im here growing Fat 

Living off my parents 

Im 22yrs old i should be working getting paid

Buy myself new clothes

Buy myself stuff 

Instead of waiting for my Dads old clothes to put on

I have nobody to talk to

I have no friends close friends 

Who can understand me

Offer me help

Give me something to do

I feel glued to where iam

I need somebody to come and rescue me

I went to apply for my Diploma

Its expensive this time round 

They are asking for so much

I think my Dad can’t afford it

There are students loan HELB

People do apply for government bursary but how do i start?

I used to feel safe in School 

That internet 

All the movies and Tv series i could download 

Id not be thinking of Death right now

If i dint feel that part of my life- how i spend my days being threatened 

Death

So how should i kill myself 

Hang myself with a rope…

But where? Where will i get a rope strong enough to hold me, if i can find one

Or should i slit my wrist- i hate that. Blood Oozing  i don’t have the balls to do it

Or lock myself in a room with burning charcoal in a “Jiko” kill myself slowly with carbon monoxide this is it

But i don’t like the smell/fumes of burning coal

Id chicken out just minutes into it

Is dying really the answer 

I have a little brother 

I love him, he is away in boarding school

Little bro do good in school

I disappointed Dad

I went to Private schools all throughout my education life

(Private schools aren’t prestigious here in Africa- some are good, they are just schools that give chances to dumb fucks like me. I got a C-)

Now in a University that isn’t Government owned

Dad is struggling to support us

Pay rent Pay the Water bill Electricity bill

Pay for his lifestyle  Feed us (Me and Mum) Feed the other woman/Women in his life

Pay your school Fees and now i want him to pay for my Diploma which i think he can’t afford

Because the car that is supposed to pay for all this is a money black hole theres always something wrong with it

My little brother i hope you do well in your studies and get that Government sponsorship that would ease the burden on Dads back

Help me please

How should i kill myself 

I can’t get a gun

a bullet to the head would really end things quickly 

I hope i don’t survive and end up being a brain damaged adult who shits himself 

I just want to Die

Why am i thinking of Death?

Because death is a solution 

If im Dead

I wont be a problem to anyone 

I wont be taking up as much space as iam

My Dad would focus on my little brother 

The mistakes he made with me not to repeat them to him

Sometimes i think i was an unwanted pregnancy because my mum had me while she was very young 

Not young as in her teens but early 20’s

I dont think she Enjoyed her youth very much 

My Dad too

Death

Death

Die die

Do i really want to die

Im healthy 

Its not like cancer is slowly killing me

Death Death 

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Author: MadDawg Stephen

Im Stephen Olonde Im Kenyan Born year 1995-07-31 My Tribe is Luo( but i can't speak it) Talents I have none that im profiting from I love music, I've always wanted to do it I just to have the courage to get myself in a Recording Studio Ive written ridiculous amount of Lyrics ever since my high school years I can cook I love to eat im in love with food home cooked meals not Fast foods but real food I love watching Tv I've spent my whole life in front of Tv watching Movies/Tv series I can't ride a bike I have a Driving license which ive not used since it was handed to me And i haven't been inside a drivers seat ever since Driving school Im Straight im attracted to women But im curious how it would feel to sleep with a man I used to read Novels back when i was in boarding school Because we would only watch Tv once a week for 3hours So reading a Novel was an escape from reality for me. I believe people should be with whom they want to be you can be Gay or of a different religion or Race Love is Love Because you only got this life to Live. I hate any form of Violence Unless its self defence I will note vote Or participate in any democratic right of mine Until they legalize weed (It has health benefits especially for cancer patients) I watch Porn sometimes. It isn't bad,I don't over do it. Homemade stuff not the fake stuff. I believe women and men are Equal And they should both be provided with equal opportunities. Im not materialistic I haven't bought news clothes for a while now I love technology I love playing video games. I love my family.

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